And I Know You're Shining Down On Me From Heaven
by TheWalkingGlee
Summary: One shot: Rachel deals with the five stages of grief after a tragedy occurs. Not AU, unfortunately.


**Hey, so I felt like it was finally time to write about this. I've been putting if off for too long now. Just a warning, it does get pretty dark, so be cautious. **

**This title is from the song One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey.**

* * *

**Denial**

The second Rachel sees Kurt and Santana standing by the door of her dance studio, she knows something's up. They never visit her there, and they definitely never go together. She excuses herself from the class for a moment, and joins them.

"What are you guys doing here?" she asks, wiping her slightly sweaty forehead with the sleeve of her shirt.

Kurt and Santana both sport the same expression on their faces. It was an expression Rachel has never seen before. She doesn't like it.

Finally, Kurt opens his mouth to speak.

"You need to come with us, Rachel."

"I'm in the middle of class," Rachel says. "I can't just leave."

"You have to," Santana speaks up. "Just tell your teacher you feel sick or something."

Rachel gives her friends one last weird look and walks over to her teacher. Once Ms. July lets her leave, Rachel grabs her things and heads back over to her roommates.

"Will someone please tell me what's going on?" Rachel asks as they make their way to the subway station.

Neither Kurt nor Santana say a word, which irritates Rachel to no extent.

"Fine then," she mutters as the subway arrives, failing to notice Kurt giving Santana a sad look. Santana just shakes her head at him.

* * *

The whole ride back to their loft in Bushwick is silent. Kurt and Santana keep their heads down on the subway while Rachel tries to observe their movements. She's more confused than ever. Her friends never act like this.

"What is going on?" Rachel demands as Kurt unlocks the door to their loft. Santana takes Rachel's hand and guides her to the couch once they're inside.

"We need to go back to Ohio," Kurt finally says. "There's been an accident."

The way Kurt and Santana look at Rachel confirms her suspicions on who it is. Her face turns unnaturally pale, and she falls to the floor before Kurt and Santana can catch her.

* * *

The plane ride back to Lima is silent. Rachel keeps her eyes glued to the seat back tray table in front of her for whole flight, not even flinching when Kurt puts a hand on her shoulder.

Kurt's dad meets them at the airport when they arrive back in Lima. Nobody says a word as they drive to Kurt's house.

"You guys can spend the night here if you want," Kurt breaks the silence when Burt parks the car in the driveway.

Santana nods and wheels her's and Rachel's suitcases upstairs. They pass by Finn's room, and Rachel keeps her head down. Santana realizes this is the longest Rachel has ever gone without speaking.

* * *

"Rachel, please say something," Kurt begs later that night. The three of them lock themselves in Kurt's room for the night, none of them having an appetite for dinner.

When Rachel doesn't respond, Kurt sighs loudly and holds her hand. "I can't even imagine how hard this is for you," he says. "It's heartbreaking for me and Santana, but you're different," Kurt continues. "You were the most special person to him. You guys had the most deepest connection."

Rachel finally looks up and mutters something that Kurt cant quite make out.

"What did you just say?" Kurt asks, rubbing her back.

"Finn's not dead," Rachel says louder.

"Rachel." Santana joins them on Kurt's bed. "I know it's a lot to take in, but-"

"No," Rachel interrupts. "He's not gone. He can't be." Her voice cracks.

"He is, Rachel," Kurt says, watching tears gather in her eyes.

"H-How did you find out?" Rachel asks.

"My dad called me the second he found out," Kurt says softly.

Rachel looks down at her hands. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"We didn't know how to," Kurt says. "And we wanted to tell you in private."

"I'm going to go to sleep," Rachel says, laying down on Kurt's bed, who decides Rachel needs it the most. He and Santana would sleep on sleeping bags on the floor.

"Have a good night," Santana whispers as she joins Kurt on the floor. She glances at Rachel one more time before Kurt turns the light off. "Sleep well."

* * *

Rachel wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming.

Kurt turns the light back on, and runs to her bed. "Rachel, open your eyes."

Rachel keeps her eyes screwed tight as she continues to scream.

"Rachel, it's just a bad dream." Santana climbs into Rachel's bed.

"No it's not," Rachel sobs. "It's real."

Santana wordlessly puts the covers over herself and Rachel, while Kurt nods and turns the lights back off. Santana spends the remainder of the night rubbing her best friend's back soothingly, listening to her occasional sobs.

* * *

**Anger**

"Rachel, you really need to eat something," Kurt says a week later as he and Santana eat breakfast. "You've barely eaten anything for the past week."

"I'm not hungry," Rachel mumbles.

"Here, eat my cereal," Santana pushes her Cheerios town the table to Rachel.

Rachel just stares at it. "No thanks."

"Eat it, Rachel. You're getting really thin," Santana observes.

"No!" Rachel screams. "You can't tell me what to!"

"Were concerned about you," Kurt cuts in. "We know how hard this is on you."

"And why aren't you torn up about it too?" Rachel continues to shout. "He was your brother. I haven't even seen you cry about it once!"

Kurt sighs. "We all have different ways of grieving."

"Well I don't care!" Rachel gets up from the table. "Just leave me alone!" She runs back up to Kurt's room and slams the door loudly behind her.

"Google says the second step in the grieving process is anger, so don't take it too personally," Santana says after a few minutes of silence.

"Well lets hope that stage doesn't last too long," Kurt mutters as he throws away the rest of his waffles. Come to think about it, he's not that hungry either.

* * *

**Bargaining**

Kurt lets Rachel blow off some steam for about an hour before he knocks on her door.

"Rachel? Can I come in?"

When Rachel doesn't respond, Kurt quietly opens the door and walk inside. He's thankful she didn't lock it.

"Take me instead," Kurt hears Rachel mumble.

"Who are you talking to, Rachel? Kurt sits down on his bed next to her.

"Finn doesn't deserve to die," she continues. "It should have been me. I'm the spoiled one. I deserve it."

"Don't say that." Kurt grabs her hand. "You don't deserve to die."

"Neither did Finn."

"I-I-"

"You don't need to say it," Rachel cuts him off. "I just wish I had more time with him. I haven't seen him since the wedding. What if-" Rachel pauses while a fresh stream of tears roll down her cheeks.

"What if _what_?" Kurt urges her to continue.

"I left after the wedding without saying goodbye. What if he was mad at me for that? What if he died hating me?"

Kurt looks down at the broken girl next to him. He wants more than anything for her to stop feeling this way. She doesn't deserve it. No one does.

"Rachel, I can honestly tell you that I'm a hundred percent sure Finn didn't die hating you. He loved you more than anything in this world."

"But why Finn? He had his whole life ahead of him. He wanted to make himself proud."

Kurt sighs. "The universe works in different, unsuspecting ways. I guess it decided that it was Finn's time to go."

"But it's not fair," Rachel bursts into tears again.

"He's in a better place now," Kurt insists. "He's with his dad. He finally gets to meet him."

Rachel lifts her head and looks at Kurt through her tear-filled eyes. "He's always wanted to meet his dad," she whispers.

"Well then I guess the universe thought it was time for that to happen," Kurt says, giving Rachel a small smile.

"Yeah." Rachel nods as she imagines her boyfriend up in heaven with his dad. She knows he's in a better place. A place where no one has to judge him for his past mistakes. A place where no one can pressure him on his future plans. A place where he can be happy.

* * *

**Depression**

Rachel's mood changes from bad to worse when Kurt tells her about Finn's funeral.

"Rachel, you have to go," Kurt says a week before the occasion.

"No," Rachel simply states.

"Come on, Rachel," Santana steps in. "Finn would want you to come."

"I can't do it. I can't go up in front of everyone and talk about him. It will hurt too much."

"You don't have to do anything you don't want, sweetie," Carole Hudson says as she joins the three of them in the living room. "Just being there is what he would have wanted."

Kurt and Santana nod in agreement. Rachel suddenly feels terrible. She knows how hard this must be on the older woman. She was Finn's mother. She loved Finn his whole life. Rachel silently walks over to Carole and gives her a giant, much needed hug.

"We'll get through this together," Carole whispers to Rachel. "I promise."

* * *

Rachel looks at herself in the mirror as she gets dressed for the funeral a week later. She doesn't even recognize herself anymore. She lightly touches the dark circles that formed under her eyes from lack of sleep and excessive crying. She also notices that her face is thinner. She then realizes how little she's eaten in the past few weeks.

Rachel quickly looks away from the mirror. She can't even stand to look at herself anymore. She zips her black dress up and heads out the door to meet Kurt, Santana, and Carole, who were all waiting for her outside. She doesn't even bother brushing her hair or putting on any makeup. It doesn't matter. She isn't trying to impress anyone anymore.

They arrive at the church five minutes later-the same church where Sue's sister Jean's funeral was held. Rachel takes a few deep breaths before walking up to Mr. Schue, who wordlessly envelops her in a hug.

When Mr. Schue finally lets go, Rachel goes and finds her seat in the front row next to Kurt, Santana, Carole, and Burt. She turns around and sees all her former Glee Club members-Quinn, Blaine, Sam, Mike, Tina, Mercedes, Puck, Brittany, Artie, and even the new students, Marley, Jake, Kitty, Ryder, and Unique- all smiling sadly back at her.

The funeral starts moments later, but Rachel finds herself in a trance. She isn't aware of what was going on around her until Kurt slightly nudges her and asks her if she would like to say something.

"You can do it," Santana whispers from a seat over, nodding encouragingly.

Rachel sighs deeply before she walks up and takes Kurt's place on the pedestal. She clears her throat and begins to speak.

"Finn Hudson was the best thing that has ever happened to me," she starts. "Even though he was the popular jock who dated the head cheerleader, and I was the loser who always got slushied, he noticed me." Rachel pauses before speaking again.

"Finn taught me how to be selfless. He taught me to do things for other people, even if it wouldn't benefit myself. The, um, the day he told me he loved me is the day I'll never forget. I never thought he would ever say those words to me. I only dreamed about it. Hearing him say that to me made all my dreams and fantasies come true." Rachel stopped again to wipe away some tears. She quickly looked over to her friends, who were silently crying as well.

"And Finn didn't deserve to die. He wanted to be a hero. He wanted to prove to himself that he could be a hero, even if he didn't believe it himself. And he was a hero. He was _my_ hero." Rachel is barely able say the last word before bursting into tears. Kurt runs up to her and brings her back to her seat.

"I'm so proud of you," he whispers to her, handing her his handkerchief. "And I'm sure Finn's proud of you too," he says as he squeezes her hand.

Rachel nods. She sure hopes he is too.

* * *

Two weeks pass by and Kurt thinks Rachel is doing better. Or at least he thought she was until he comes home one day and immediately sees her with a bottle of pills in her hand, trying to get the cap off.

"Rachel, stop!" He runs over to her and grabs the bottle out of her hands.

"I just want it to stop," Rachel falls to the floor and sobs. "I want to die. I want to be with him."

Kurt scoops his best friend into his arms and they both stay there on the floor, Rachel's face buried in Kurt's jacket.

"Why would you do that, Rachel?" Kurt asks, even though he already knows the answer.

"I need to be with him," Rachel continues to sob as she tries to grab the bottle of pills out of Kurt's hands.

"Rachel, don't you think he wants you to live your life? To be successful? To be happy?"

"The only way I'll ever be happy is if I'm with Finn."

Kurt abruptly stands up and brings Rachel up with him. "Rachel." He places his hands on her delicate shoulders. "I think it's time to see someone about this."

* * *

**Acceptance**

Kurt drags her all the way to McKinley High School to visit Ms. Pillsbury.

"Now I know she's just a guidance counselor, and not an official therapist, but she's the best one to help because she knows you," Kurt explains before they enter her office. Luckily, school had just ended, so not many students are around.

Kurt knocks on the door to her office. "Ms. Pillsbury, we need to see you."

Emma opens the door for them and is taken by surprise when she sees Rachel.

"Rachel, it's good to see you," Emma says. "What do you guys need?"

"Help," Rachel chokes out. "I need help."

"Rachel needs to talk to someone about this. She, um...well, she'll tell you about it in private."

"Look guys, I really think you should go to a professional therapist about this," Emma says.

"Please, Ms. Pillsbury," Kurt begs. "She needs this."

Emma nods. "Alright then. Come with me, Rachel."

"I'll pick you up in an hour," Kurt says, giving Rachel a quick hug.

Rachel nods and follows the guidance counselor into her office. She knows this would happen eventually. But she's glad. She needs to talk to someone about this before it gets out of hand. It feels good to finally let it all out.

* * *

"So how's therapy going with Ms. Pillsbury?" Santana asks a week later as she, Kurt, and Rachel eat dinner.

"It's going good," Rachel says. "Ms. Pillsbury really understands how I'm feeling."

"That's great." Santana grins. She doesn't even remember the last time she has seen Rachel this upbeat. "And you finally ate your whole meal!" she exclaims.

Rachel looks down at her previously filled plate, now completely empty. "Yeah, I did."

"We're glad you're finally starting to feel like your old self again," Kurt says.

"I won't ever be totally where I was before everything happened, but I feel, I don't know, at peace with everything now," Rachel says. "I don't really know how to explain it."

"You're accepting his death," Santana says. "Google says it's the final step in the grieving process."

"Well, I don't know if I'm accepting it, because I'm still totally mad at the universe about it, but I'm feeling better about it."

"That's totally normal." Kurt nods.

"I mean, it's not like I'm going to date anytime soon. It would feel like I'm cheating on him." Rachel shakes her head.

"No, that's not true," Kurt says. "Finn wants you to find happiness. I'm sure he would understand if you started dating again. In fact, he would want you to."

"Well no matter what, Finn will always be in my heart. I'll never forget him," Rachel says confidently. She's positive that Finn's up there in heaven right now, smiling down upon her. And she can't wait to join him.

(Even though it probably won't be for a very long time, because even though she hates to admit it, Rachel's not ready to die yet. At least not until she makes it on Broadway. Finn would have wanted that anyway.)

**The end. **


End file.
